Entitlement

I am a normal 26 year old. My job isn't the same as most people, but I work for a living. I don't get things for free, I'm not sponsored. I work 10+ hours a day. I have what I have because I've earned it. That being said:
I am a huge fan of Heather Armstrong. I know that a lot of people have written pieces on her over the last few weeks. I started reading her blog a few months ago. I was looking up PPD symptoms and found her. I bought her book, and read her blog going back a few years. This was when I was on bed rest before baby was born, so I had A LOT of time to kill.
Seeing what she went through with her oldest daughter made me realize that I had to be really careful with myself for PPD. Having had anxiety problems my entire life, I figured I would be at risk.
So, no, I'm not a drone or whatever critics call her fans. I don't rush out and buy $24 mascara. (Although I do own $24 mascara, but that was from before Dooce). If she has the courage to speak her mind and make money off it, good for her!
I am not sure what all has been going on with the hate blogs, this is something new to me. I know the Monetize the Hate blog was a brilliant idea. Whether it goes for charity or not isn't the point. I think that it was awesome. There were comments from other blogs on there, and maybe she knew where they came from, maybe she didn't. They are quoted now.
The fact that the Armstrongs get to work from home is amazing. I would love to be able to do that. Would I love to endure the hate that they receive? Absolutely not. Jon and Heather are a lot stronger then I am. I'll keep my job with my little pay any day.

Postpartum Depression

There are times when all I want to do is hold Baby so tightly and never let go. I feel so lucky to have him, and I cannot believe that he is here. Since I was 18, I had been told that getting pregnant was not really a possibility. Due to severe endometriosis (including 2 surgeries), Hubs and I were already thinking about adopting. Then, we found out we were pregnant!
Background info: I have always dealt with anxiety. I was on Wellbutrin until I found out I was pregnant.
At the 2 week well baby check up, the nurse told me that since I had been taking Wellbutrin, I should talk to my doctor about getting back on it. Doc told me that since I was breastfeeding and Baby was only 3 weeks old at the time, if I thought I could handle not being on it, that he would prefer me to wait. So I did. And, the anxiety came back. With a side helping of depression.
Now, I've never been depressed before. However, Hubs has dealt with it as well as bipolar since his early teens. He knew what to look for. I was convinced that I was okay. I didn't want to let him down, let Baby down, let my family down. I could handle everything.
Well, I cannot. Today I was diagnosed with PPD. I am going to be taking a low dose anti-depressant and see a therapist until we can get everything under control. The medicine I am going to take is safe for breastfeeding. That was my main concern.
The next few weeks will be a trying time for me, Hubs, and Baby. Hopefully, everything will start to "normalize" and I can become me again.

I just really know how to mess it up.

I went to the doctor yesterday b/c my right knee has been hurting for about 3 weeks. I thought I could just run through it, and it would stop hurting. Except, that was the opposite of what I should have done. I have "runner's knee", where it is overused and now I cannot run for a month. I have to ice it, stretch it, and build up the muscles in my leg to be able to control the knee. This is going to suck.
On a better note, I'll be able to do more weight training since I can't really do any cardio except for riding a bike. I did 30 min. on the bike, 45 min. with weights, and 15 min. on abs today so hopefully this baby weight will start coming off a little bit faster!

I couldn't fathom

loosing Michael. I just read the story of the Spohr family. I cried. I sat at my desk and bawled for their family, their love, their loss. When I get home, I am going to give Michael extra attention just because we have him to love. The thought of something happening to him kills me. I don't know how to express my sorrow for their loss, I'm just a random person with a random blog. I wish them the best in this new pregnancy, and with their new family to come.

Random thoughts

Since returning back to work, I have struggled emotionally with pumping for Baby. I hate pumping. It is almost degrading to sit there and be "milked" like a dairy cow. However, it is for the best for Baby. This week, though, I haven't been pumping as much. It's that time of the month, and I had an IUD insertion. The change of hormones was not good for the supply, so I started taking More Milk Plus capsules and also drinking an herbal tea that is for the production. It has helped a little, but I am still nervous about not being able to provide enough milk for him. It has started stressing me out a little.
Then, the thought of not being able to nurse him breaks my heart. I couldn't imagine not being able too. I have written about it previously, and am not going to write more on that subject. I am still at work and don't want to have to explain why I have tear stains down my face.
Hubs and I talked about the lack of milk situation last night. He is convinced that it will normal out this week, and all will be good. We did decide that if I cannot keep up, we will start mixing breast milk and formula to make a full bottle, but I will continue to pump. I am up to about 5 pumping sessions during the work day and 1-2 at night, depending on how Baby sleeps.
It is discouraging, and I cannot help but be sad and upset. I will hopefully start to regulate better because it is causing me to loose sleep thinking about it.
But, on a brighter note, Baby is doing great. He's sleeping some nights all the way through, and others not so much.
Last night, he slept for 6 hours straight and then decided the rest of the night/morning he needed to be a little turd muffin. (I say that with the utmost amount of love possible!) On top of that, Hubs has been having sinus problems for the last 2 days. Which means he is dying. He doesn't deal well with sickness. The problem is, at 3:30 in the morning, after I had been up for 2 hours, I asked him to try and put the baby back to sleep since I had to be up in 1 hour and had only slept for 3 at that point. He was not to happy, but he did. Now, he has been talking about how he didn't get any sleep, blah blah blah. I reminded him that not only did he get a lot more sleep then me, I had to get up and pump in the middle of the night on top of feeding Baby.
Wow, this post has completely gone in a different direction I was thinking about.
Maybe I can be more focused next time. Maybe next time I will have 7 straight hours of sleep behind me!

So tired!!

It's only 6:15 pm and I'm ready to crash! Mr. Baby hasn't been napping very well, which leads to not wanting to sleep in the evening. He was super fussy pants after I got him home from the day care. But, he's asleep now, probably for the night. I hope so, he was exhausted looking! As am I, by the way.
Today, I decided to step it up with my workouts. After the spin class (an hour long), I ran on the treadmill and did the stair climber for 30 minutes. I hope I can go running tonight, but I think I might just sleep instead. Tomorrow, I'm not going to be able to work out because of duty, but Wednesday, it is on!
I am going to go find food, I am starving! My grilled chicken salad for lunch after working out is long gone. Tomorrow I'll write a longer post since I'm going to have nothing else to do!

I'm a slacker, I know.

This past week has been pretty busy. I haven't had a chance to write like I wanted to. So, lets get started!

The biggest thing on my mind is the anniversary of September 11. I was asked at work where I was when it happened. I was a freshman in college, laying in bed. I had already woken up, taken a shower, and studied for a test. I laid back down to rest before going to class. My roommate woke me up, and I couldn't believe it. I was pretty selfish because I had a US History test that day, and I was hoping that classes would be canceled. They were not.
Being in the military provides a unique look into the aftermath of 9/11. Everyday, I go to work supporting the global war on terrorism. And, a lot of people don't agree with the war. I don't know if I agree with what the reasons for the war are, but I support our troops. That is one of the reasons I joined the Navy, is to help make our world better.
On Friday, there was a memorial presented where several people put together a presentation. The entire time, I was trying not to cry. It happens every year, and I always bawl like a baby. This year, I was trying to be strong. Until the last part. They played a song that a little girl had recorded for her father who had died in the WTC. It was a year or two after, and the girl was telling her daddy how much she had grown, and she missed him, and wondered if he could see her where he was. She also asked if he could come back. Oh my, how the tears started flowing. I could only think about my son, and how awful it would be if I were not there for him. All I wanted to do was rush to pick him up, hold him, and never let go. That night, I held him for an extra moment or two before putting him in his bassinet to sleep. I could not imagine something happening where I could not hear his laugh or kiss his sweet cheeks.
I entered into a Body after Baby contest online by@Mamanotes on twitter. http://bit.ly/oSeuz I am pretty excited about it. I hope to be able to use this as extra motivation to get back into shape.

Extended Breastfeeding?

I've been doing a lot of research about extended breastfeeding. Since my son is only 10 weeks old, I know that we have a long way to go before we reach that point. I don't know how comfortable I would be with breastfeeding him after 1 year old. Please don't get me wrong. I love the time I spend with him. It has become my favorite times of the day, laying in bed with Hubs and feeding Baby. I get sad thinking about when he no longer will need me.

Okay, now that I've shed a few tears b/c of that last sentence, I can move on. I don't disagree with extended breastfeeding. I will admit that seeing a preschooler nursing is a little odd, but if that is the family's decision, then so be it. Hubs and I have talked about it, and we have semi-decided on a year. There are moments when I'm really selfish and want to drink lots and lots and lots and lots of alcohol that I want to be done, but then I snap out of it and realize what's best for Baby.

I am lucky that my work supports me pumping. I do believe that nursing him exclusively right now is the best decision we have made regarding Baby. I will continue to do research to make an informed decision. Is there anyone who has thoughts?

Southwest Chicken Wraps are no bueno.

Hubs made his "famous" Southwest Chicken Wraps last night. They are awesome. He makes a corn salsa and everything. They are really fabulous. However, they are not so good on the stomach when you have to be at work at 6:30. Not cool! It made for a very bad morning.

On another note, I went to a friend's BBQ on Sunday night. After I got home, Hubs had to get something out of the car. And, there were bugs in it. Where my friend lives is in a bad area of the island b/c of the weather and all. So, the bugs wanted to seek shelter in the car. Now, we have to figure out how to get rid of them without using chemicals because of Baby. Hubs set some bug boxes in the car, but that isn't working. Hopefully, we can get it figured out soon. If there any suggestions, I'll take them!

I missed a day...

but we were really busy yesterday. Plus, Baby was constipated and not to happy. Last night was a rough night for us. This morning, after getting off the phone with the doctor's office and getting an appointment scheduled for tomorrow, he started to let go of what he was holding on too. And, he ended up pooping through the diaper, up his back, onto a cloth diaper, through that, and onto the diaper pad cover. HOLY COW there was a lot of poop. But, he instantly felt better!

Tonight, I went to a friend's house for a BBQ. It was really good spending time with her. She's 15 weeks pregnant, so I was grossing the guys out with pregnancy and labor stories. She was enjoying it, I think. Baby is asleep, so Hubs and I are going to finish watching Coraline. We started last night, but only made it 1/2 way through b/c I was super tired. Hopefully, Baby will sleep 8 hours again straight tonight. If only!!

What 7 hours of sleep causes.

First of all, let me explain how my morning started. I woke up at 5:15, looked at my watch, realized Baby hadn't woken up all night to eat, and jumped out of bed. I went to the bassinet and felt for his breath. He was still alive. Then I stood there, looking at him in awe. He had slept 8 1/2 hours at 10 weeks old. How is that possible? He does have his father's sleeping genes apparently. Hubs can sleep standing riding up an escalator. STANDING UP. It's just not normal. But, Baby seems to think it is. And, I'm not complaining.

However, Hubs decided that since Baby can sleep this long so early, it's time for him to start sleeping in the crib in the nursery. And I disagree. Our conversation went something like this:

Him: It's time Baby sleeps in the nursery.
Me: No, Baby isn't ready.
Him: Baby is ready, you're not.
Me: You're a horrible parent who wants to separate a mother from her son. You should fuck off and die.

That's not really how the conversation went. Except the last sentence. I did tell him to fuck off and die. In the most loving tone, of course.

All of this is to say that I got 7 hours of sleep. Straight. Without waking up. Man, my boobs were about to explode this morning. But, again, 7 hours of sleep!!! And, it's a day off of work for me too. Hubs had to work though (BOO!) so I have the house by myself since Baby is at day care. (Free babysitting. Although not really free since we pay out the buttox for it.) I am going to finish folding laundry that is on the bed right now once I'm done writing. And, I'm going to go get a mani/pedi. Except on my right thumb nail that is no longer there. It finally came off last night. And now the baby thumb nail is growing back. It really grossed out Hubs. That was awesome. I don't know what to do with this much sleep! I could keep talking all day long!

On a side note, I finally got around to reading some blogs last night. And I fell in love with The Bloggess. She is so freaking funny. Reading her conversation about driving made me laugh cry. I was reading it out loud to Hubs and we had to take breaks because we were laughing so hard. The main reason is because it is a conversation that could very well take place between us.

Now that I've written more then I have with all the other posts combined, I shall attack the laundry. And then off to spoil myself. I'm totally okay with that.

Two hour naps ROCK!!!

This afternoon I got to leave work at 1:30. So, I drove my 30 minute drive back home and picked up Baby from the daycare. I was super excited that we were going to get to have an afternoon to ourselves. I got home, changed him, then went upstairs to feed him. And he fell directly to sleep. I put him in his bassinet and decided to take a nap. 2 hours later, he woke up. How freaking awesome. I could use a lot more naps, but I'll take what I can get! Tomorrow, I have off so Hubs is taking Baby to daycare so I can have a "me" day. Which involves a lot of chores and maybe a mani/pedi. That would be AWESOME!!!

Today, a coworker told me that I looked like I was loosing a lot of weight. (Which according to the scales is a falsehood.) But, it did give me hope. I know that muscle weighs more then fat, blah blah. That fact doesn't help when I look down at the scales in the mornings. I am glad that she told me that. It put a little pep in my step.

Getting back in shape sucks.

This morning for PT we ran 2 miles. In formation. And by we, I mean everyone but me. The run started off up a 1/3 mile long hill. And it sucked. I tried my best, but had to start speed walking up the hill. I am trying my best, but it's going to be a lot process. I have to get back into Body Composition Assessment (BCA) standards by Feb. 7. So, I have 5 more months. I've made a lot of progress fitness wise in this short amount of time, but it sucks having post baby body. I tried on pants today and cried b/c of the size. My husband reminded me that just having a baby does that, but it doesn't make it any easier.

My belly has the baby pooch. I am doing as many crunches as I can, but I can't seem to get any results. I understand that it takes time, but I can't stand the way my body looks right now. Michael is totally worth it, but it's still so very hard.

The Adventures of Super Baby and Wimpy Mom

Baby Michael did amazing at his 2 month shots today! He fussed a little bit, and then fell directly asleep. In fact, Hubs had to make sure he wasn't in a coma b/c of how asleep he was. He went to day care and was a champ there also. I was very impressed with his awesomeness. And then there's me...

I had to decide today if I wanted to have my thumb nail removed by the Dr. or let it come off on its own. As a back story, a little over a month ago, I slammed my thumb in the car door. We went to the ER and turns out I broke off the tip of the bone. They burned a hole in the nail to let the blood out, and told me the nail was probably going to come off. Well, after a month I still had the nail. Until this past weekend, when I realized that it was separating from the nail bed. After leaving the gym this afternoon, the nail caught my uniform and tore a little more from the bed. I went to medical and the nurse gave me the 2 options. After weighing them out, I decided to let them take it off. Better then me accidently ripping it off, right? WRONG!!!

The nurse numbed the thumb 5 times and I could still feel the pain. Finally, after only removing 1/2 the nail, I gave up and that's what I have on my right thumb... half a nail. I will let nature take it's course. I quit!

P.S. The nurse couldn't believe that I went through 8 hours of labor w/out an epidural b/c of how much of a chicken I was. But, labor is for a great reason. Nail removal is not!!