Tuesday, December 8, 2009


Sometimes, I'll hear a song on the radio, and it just sucks me in. A moment in the past will just hit me like a ton of bricks. Today, this happened while driving to work. I don't know the song or artist, but it was talking about being already gone. It made me think of my college relationship.

I dated him for 3 1/2 years when one day, we were over. I couldn't escape him. We lived in a small town, right around the corner from each other. We had the same friends, worked at the same restaurant, went to the same university. I transferred to another restaurant to get away. I stopped going to our "hang outs". And friends chose sides to take. I lost a lot of "friends" in the course of a month. When it was all said and done, this was a horrible, terrible experiance. It took me a year to get right. And, when I did, I knew I had to get away. I joined the Navy.

A lot of people ask me why I joined. I've always said that it was time for me to get a "big girl job." But, in all actuality, it was because I needed to leave. If I had stayed in the town, I would have never grown. I love my life now, but it has been a bit difficult to get here. I try not to think about what has happened, try to think only of what has come about because of it. I have an amazing husband and perfect little boy. But, there are those moments where it all comes back and grips my heart just a little, and makes me love my family even more.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

WTF 2009???

Where in the hell did 2009 go? Just last week was New Years. I have no idea what is going on. I have a huge son who doesn't know he's only 5 months old. I'm pretty sure he is under the impression that he's a grown man.

Coming up in Feb, it will be time for me to start negotiating orders for a new command. For non-military people, I'll be figuring out where I'm going to be stationed next. So, within the next 2 months, I have to decide if I'm going to re-enlist in 2012, or just do my 6 years and get out. There's so much security being in the Navy, but it sucks being gone for months and months at a time. Now, adding a child to that is going to complicate things. On one hand, medical insurance for free. The other... being gone for ever. I have to do a lot of soul searching and figure out what is most important for my family. Since hubs doesn't have a job yet, I may end up re-enlisting. Who knows...

On a side note, Christmas is coming up and I've done my shopping for the hubs! WOOO-HOOO!! Now, I just have to do my parents/sisters/inlaws and we'll be done. I have a few weeks. Which means I'll be emailing e-gift cards on Christmas Eve. But, whatever. A present is a present, right??

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Holy Jeeeesus H Christ!

Where the eff has this year gone?? It seems like I just found out I was pregnant. And then felt like the pregnancy would NEVER end. And now, I have a 4 month old angel child. WTF 2009?? Where have you gone?? I cannot believe that Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up. For Thanksgiving this year, we're probably going to have dinner with some of Mike's friends. Either that, or volunteer at a shelter & serve lunch. For Christmas, we're not going to do a tree b/c 2 years ago, when our niece was about 6 months old, she tore into our tree. Since Michael is going to be 6 months at Christmas, we're just going to hold off on the tree this year.

We're going to be those people. However, we did do Halloween. And let me tell you, Michael was freaking adorable. He got so many compliments as the cutest little monkey you've ever seen. I couldn't have been more proud. I hope everyone had a great Halloween and ate too much candy and got very sick off all the sugar!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Things are a changing

Well, my husband starts his separation leave from the Navy in 13 days. Then, 2 months later, he's out of the Navy. Oh, man, things are a changing! He's been looking for a job now for about a month or so, but b/c his specialty is super specific, it's taking a while. If he doesn't get a job, he'll go to school and be a stay at home dad. Which, isn't going to be that bad b/c of the GI Bill. I start classes in November to finish my Bachelor's degree in computer science. Which is kind of funny b/c I know about squat on computers, but I'm only 10 classes away from my degree. Got to love the education system in America.

Baby is doing great, rolling over and talking up a storm. He LOVES bananas. He goes CRAZY for them. Not even kidding, I'm pretty sure he'd stab me for some. And apple juice. Oh man, oh man. He cries when he finishes the bottle. And his laugh. My, his laugh is enough to brighten my week. His smile is huge and contagious. He's getting so big, I don't know what to do with him anymore!

Off to take care of the baby and husband. Have a wonderful day!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Why my husband rocks.

I know, I know. Same old story, different day! I have to take time out for me, and am not that good at it. I am going to try and continue to update and post. This is my project for me. I can't let myself down!

I am on new medicine for the PPD. I just started the new stuff 2 days ago. It's what I used to take before I got pregnant, but a lot stronger now b/c of different reasons. It's making me kind of drowsy and out of it. But, it's better then being a screaming crazy person, right?

I am trying to take my time and enjoy each day with my husband and son. When my husband does something that makes me mad, I have to take a breath before I say something. I can't just automatically say what I want to. I have to, or else I will be that awful wife. I try to appreciate everything that he does for me, out of his way. He is a great husband, but sometimes I need to remind myself that he is not perfect, no matter how great and wonderful he is. He will make mistakes. He will say stuff that comes out wrong. He will do the wrong thing. But, he is amazing. He is a wonderful father. My son is lucky to have him as a father. I couldn't have asked for anything or anyone better. I have to remember how lucky I am. Because, I'm afraid that if I don't, he'll realize how crazy I am. And then, I'll be lost.

He keeps telling me that he understands. That he doesn't love me any less, or even like me any less. He is putting up with my "disorder" very well. I am really pretty lucky.

Friday, September 25, 2009


I am a normal 26 year old. My job isn't the same as most people, but I work for a living. I don't get things for free, I'm not sponsored. I work 10+ hours a day. I have what I have because I've earned it. That being said:
I am a huge fan of Heather Armstrong. I know that a lot of people have written pieces on her over the last few weeks. I started reading her blog a few months ago. I was looking up PPD symptoms and found her. I bought her book, and read her blog going back a few years. This was when I was on bed rest before baby was born, so I had A LOT of time to kill.
Seeing what she went through with her oldest daughter made me realize that I had to be really careful with myself for PPD. Having had anxiety problems my entire life, I figured I would be at risk.
So, no, I'm not a drone or whatever critics call her fans. I don't rush out and buy $24 mascara. (Although I do own $24 mascara, but that was from before Dooce). If she has the courage to speak her mind and make money off it, good for her!
I am not sure what all has been going on with the hate blogs, this is something new to me. I know the Monetize the Hate blog was a brilliant idea. Whether it goes for charity or not isn't the point. I think that it was awesome. There were comments from other blogs on there, and maybe she knew where they came from, maybe she didn't. They are quoted now.
The fact that the Armstrongs get to work from home is amazing. I would love to be able to do that. Would I love to endure the hate that they receive? Absolutely not. Jon and Heather are a lot stronger then I am. I'll keep my job with my little pay any day.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Postpartum Depression

There are times when all I want to do is hold Baby so tightly and never let go. I feel so lucky to have him, and I cannot believe that he is here. Since I was 18, I had been told that getting pregnant was not really a possibility. Due to severe endometriosis (including 2 surgeries), Hubs and I were already thinking about adopting. Then, we found out we were pregnant!
Background info: I have always dealt with anxiety. I was on Wellbutrin until I found out I was pregnant.
At the 2 week well baby check up, the nurse told me that since I had been taking Wellbutrin, I should talk to my doctor about getting back on it. Doc told me that since I was breastfeeding and Baby was only 3 weeks old at the time, if I thought I could handle not being on it, that he would prefer me to wait. So I did. And, the anxiety came back. With a side helping of depression.
Now, I've never been depressed before. However, Hubs has dealt with it as well as bipolar since his early teens. He knew what to look for. I was convinced that I was okay. I didn't want to let him down, let Baby down, let my family down. I could handle everything.
Well, I cannot. Today I was diagnosed with PPD. I am going to be taking a low dose anti-depressant and see a therapist until we can get everything under control. The medicine I am going to take is safe for breastfeeding. That was my main concern.
The next few weeks will be a trying time for me, Hubs, and Baby. Hopefully, everything will start to "normalize" and I can become me again.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

I just really know how to mess it up.

I went to the doctor yesterday b/c my right knee has been hurting for about 3 weeks. I thought I could just run through it, and it would stop hurting. Except, that was the opposite of what I should have done. I have "runner's knee", where it is overused and now I cannot run for a month. I have to ice it, stretch it, and build up the muscles in my leg to be able to control the knee. This is going to suck.
On a better note, I'll be able to do more weight training since I can't really do any cardio except for riding a bike. I did 30 min. on the bike, 45 min. with weights, and 15 min. on abs today so hopefully this baby weight will start coming off a little bit faster!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

I couldn't fathom

loosing Michael. I just read the story of the Spohr family. I cried. I sat at my desk and bawled for their family, their love, their loss. When I get home, I am going to give Michael extra attention just because we have him to love. The thought of something happening to him kills me. I don't know how to express my sorrow for their loss, I'm just a random person with a random blog. I wish them the best in this new pregnancy, and with their new family to come.

Random thoughts

Since returning back to work, I have struggled emotionally with pumping for Baby. I hate pumping. It is almost degrading to sit there and be "milked" like a dairy cow. However, it is for the best for Baby. This week, though, I haven't been pumping as much. It's that time of the month, and I had an IUD insertion. The change of hormones was not good for the supply, so I started taking More Milk Plus capsules and also drinking an herbal tea that is for the production. It has helped a little, but I am still nervous about not being able to provide enough milk for him. It has started stressing me out a little.
Then, the thought of not being able to nurse him breaks my heart. I couldn't imagine not being able too. I have written about it previously, and am not going to write more on that subject. I am still at work and don't want to have to explain why I have tear stains down my face.
Hubs and I talked about the lack of milk situation last night. He is convinced that it will normal out this week, and all will be good. We did decide that if I cannot keep up, we will start mixing breast milk and formula to make a full bottle, but I will continue to pump. I am up to about 5 pumping sessions during the work day and 1-2 at night, depending on how Baby sleeps.
It is discouraging, and I cannot help but be sad and upset. I will hopefully start to regulate better because it is causing me to loose sleep thinking about it.
But, on a brighter note, Baby is doing great. He's sleeping some nights all the way through, and others not so much.
Last night, he slept for 6 hours straight and then decided the rest of the night/morning he needed to be a little turd muffin. (I say that with the utmost amount of love possible!) On top of that, Hubs has been having sinus problems for the last 2 days. Which means he is dying. He doesn't deal well with sickness. The problem is, at 3:30 in the morning, after I had been up for 2 hours, I asked him to try and put the baby back to sleep since I had to be up in 1 hour and had only slept for 3 at that point. He was not to happy, but he did. Now, he has been talking about how he didn't get any sleep, blah blah blah. I reminded him that not only did he get a lot more sleep then me, I had to get up and pump in the middle of the night on top of feeding Baby.
Wow, this post has completely gone in a different direction I was thinking about.
Maybe I can be more focused next time. Maybe next time I will have 7 straight hours of sleep behind me!

Monday, September 14, 2009

So tired!!

It's only 6:15 pm and I'm ready to crash! Mr. Baby hasn't been napping very well, which leads to not wanting to sleep in the evening. He was super fussy pants after I got him home from the day care. But, he's asleep now, probably for the night. I hope so, he was exhausted looking! As am I, by the way.
Today, I decided to step it up with my workouts. After the spin class (an hour long), I ran on the treadmill and did the stair climber for 30 minutes. I hope I can go running tonight, but I think I might just sleep instead. Tomorrow, I'm not going to be able to work out because of duty, but Wednesday, it is on!
I am going to go find food, I am starving! My grilled chicken salad for lunch after working out is long gone. Tomorrow I'll write a longer post since I'm going to have nothing else to do!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

I'm a slacker, I know.

This past week has been pretty busy. I haven't had a chance to write like I wanted to. So, lets get started!

The biggest thing on my mind is the anniversary of September 11. I was asked at work where I was when it happened. I was a freshman in college, laying in bed. I had already woken up, taken a shower, and studied for a test. I laid back down to rest before going to class. My roommate woke me up, and I couldn't believe it. I was pretty selfish because I had a US History test that day, and I was hoping that classes would be canceled. They were not.
Being in the military provides a unique look into the aftermath of 9/11. Everyday, I go to work supporting the global war on terrorism. And, a lot of people don't agree with the war. I don't know if I agree with what the reasons for the war are, but I support our troops. That is one of the reasons I joined the Navy, is to help make our world better.
On Friday, there was a memorial presented where several people put together a presentation. The entire time, I was trying not to cry. It happens every year, and I always bawl like a baby. This year, I was trying to be strong. Until the last part. They played a song that a little girl had recorded for her father who had died in the WTC. It was a year or two after, and the girl was telling her daddy how much she had grown, and she missed him, and wondered if he could see her where he was. She also asked if he could come back. Oh my, how the tears started flowing. I could only think about my son, and how awful it would be if I were not there for him. All I wanted to do was rush to pick him up, hold him, and never let go. That night, I held him for an extra moment or two before putting him in his bassinet to sleep. I could not imagine something happening where I could not hear his laugh or kiss his sweet cheeks.
I entered into a Body after Baby contest online by@Mamanotes on twitter. http://bit.ly/oSeuz I am pretty excited about it. I hope to be able to use this as extra motivation to get back into shape.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Extended Breastfeeding?

I've been doing a lot of research about extended breastfeeding. Since my son is only 10 weeks old, I know that we have a long way to go before we reach that point. I don't know how comfortable I would be with breastfeeding him after 1 year old. Please don't get me wrong. I love the time I spend with him. It has become my favorite times of the day, laying in bed with Hubs and feeding Baby. I get sad thinking about when he no longer will need me.

Okay, now that I've shed a few tears b/c of that last sentence, I can move on. I don't disagree with extended breastfeeding. I will admit that seeing a preschooler nursing is a little odd, but if that is the family's decision, then so be it. Hubs and I have talked about it, and we have semi-decided on a year. There are moments when I'm really selfish and want to drink lots and lots and lots and lots of alcohol that I want to be done, but then I snap out of it and realize what's best for Baby.

I am lucky that my work supports me pumping. I do believe that nursing him exclusively right now is the best decision we have made regarding Baby. I will continue to do research to make an informed decision. Is there anyone who has thoughts?

Southwest Chicken Wraps are no bueno.

Hubs made his "famous" Southwest Chicken Wraps last night. They are awesome. He makes a corn salsa and everything. They are really fabulous. However, they are not so good on the stomach when you have to be at work at 6:30. Not cool! It made for a very bad morning.

On another note, I went to a friend's BBQ on Sunday night. After I got home, Hubs had to get something out of the car. And, there were bugs in it. Where my friend lives is in a bad area of the island b/c of the weather and all. So, the bugs wanted to seek shelter in the car. Now, we have to figure out how to get rid of them without using chemicals because of Baby. Hubs set some bug boxes in the car, but that isn't working. Hopefully, we can get it figured out soon. If there any suggestions, I'll take them!

Sunday, September 6, 2009

I missed a day...

but we were really busy yesterday. Plus, Baby was constipated and not to happy. Last night was a rough night for us. This morning, after getting off the phone with the doctor's office and getting an appointment scheduled for tomorrow, he started to let go of what he was holding on too. And, he ended up pooping through the diaper, up his back, onto a cloth diaper, through that, and onto the diaper pad cover. HOLY COW there was a lot of poop. But, he instantly felt better!

Tonight, I went to a friend's house for a BBQ. It was really good spending time with her. She's 15 weeks pregnant, so I was grossing the guys out with pregnancy and labor stories. She was enjoying it, I think. Baby is asleep, so Hubs and I are going to finish watching Coraline. We started last night, but only made it 1/2 way through b/c I was super tired. Hopefully, Baby will sleep 8 hours again straight tonight. If only!!

Friday, September 4, 2009

What 7 hours of sleep causes.

First of all, let me explain how my morning started. I woke up at 5:15, looked at my watch, realized Baby hadn't woken up all night to eat, and jumped out of bed. I went to the bassinet and felt for his breath. He was still alive. Then I stood there, looking at him in awe. He had slept 8 1/2 hours at 10 weeks old. How is that possible? He does have his father's sleeping genes apparently. Hubs can sleep standing riding up an escalator. STANDING UP. It's just not normal. But, Baby seems to think it is. And, I'm not complaining.

However, Hubs decided that since Baby can sleep this long so early, it's time for him to start sleeping in the crib in the nursery. And I disagree. Our conversation went something like this:

Him: It's time Baby sleeps in the nursery.
Me: No, Baby isn't ready.
Him: Baby is ready, you're not.
Me: You're a horrible parent who wants to separate a mother from her son. You should fuck off and die.

That's not really how the conversation went. Except the last sentence. I did tell him to fuck off and die. In the most loving tone, of course.

All of this is to say that I got 7 hours of sleep. Straight. Without waking up. Man, my boobs were about to explode this morning. But, again, 7 hours of sleep!!! And, it's a day off of work for me too. Hubs had to work though (BOO!) so I have the house by myself since Baby is at day care. (Free babysitting. Although not really free since we pay out the buttox for it.) I am going to finish folding laundry that is on the bed right now once I'm done writing. And, I'm going to go get a mani/pedi. Except on my right thumb nail that is no longer there. It finally came off last night. And now the baby thumb nail is growing back. It really grossed out Hubs. That was awesome. I don't know what to do with this much sleep! I could keep talking all day long!

On a side note, I finally got around to reading some blogs last night. And I fell in love with The Bloggess. She is so freaking funny. Reading her conversation about driving made me laugh cry. I was reading it out loud to Hubs and we had to take breaks because we were laughing so hard. The main reason is because it is a conversation that could very well take place between us.

Now that I've written more then I have with all the other posts combined, I shall attack the laundry. And then off to spoil myself. I'm totally okay with that.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Two hour naps ROCK!!!

This afternoon I got to leave work at 1:30. So, I drove my 30 minute drive back home and picked up Baby from the daycare. I was super excited that we were going to get to have an afternoon to ourselves. I got home, changed him, then went upstairs to feed him. And he fell directly to sleep. I put him in his bassinet and decided to take a nap. 2 hours later, he woke up. How freaking awesome. I could use a lot more naps, but I'll take what I can get! Tomorrow, I have off so Hubs is taking Baby to daycare so I can have a "me" day. Which involves a lot of chores and maybe a mani/pedi. That would be AWESOME!!!

Today, a coworker told me that I looked like I was loosing a lot of weight. (Which according to the scales is a falsehood.) But, it did give me hope. I know that muscle weighs more then fat, blah blah. That fact doesn't help when I look down at the scales in the mornings. I am glad that she told me that. It put a little pep in my step.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Getting back in shape sucks.

This morning for PT we ran 2 miles. In formation. And by we, I mean everyone but me. The run started off up a 1/3 mile long hill. And it sucked. I tried my best, but had to start speed walking up the hill. I am trying my best, but it's going to be a lot process. I have to get back into Body Composition Assessment (BCA) standards by Feb. 7. So, I have 5 more months. I've made a lot of progress fitness wise in this short amount of time, but it sucks having post baby body. I tried on pants today and cried b/c of the size. My husband reminded me that just having a baby does that, but it doesn't make it any easier.

My belly has the baby pooch. I am doing as many crunches as I can, but I can't seem to get any results. I understand that it takes time, but I can't stand the way my body looks right now. Michael is totally worth it, but it's still so very hard.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

The Adventures of Super Baby and Wimpy Mom

Baby Michael did amazing at his 2 month shots today! He fussed a little bit, and then fell directly asleep. In fact, Hubs had to make sure he wasn't in a coma b/c of how asleep he was. He went to day care and was a champ there also. I was very impressed with his awesomeness. And then there's me...

I had to decide today if I wanted to have my thumb nail removed by the Dr. or let it come off on its own. As a back story, a little over a month ago, I slammed my thumb in the car door. We went to the ER and turns out I broke off the tip of the bone. They burned a hole in the nail to let the blood out, and told me the nail was probably going to come off. Well, after a month I still had the nail. Until this past weekend, when I realized that it was separating from the nail bed. After leaving the gym this afternoon, the nail caught my uniform and tore a little more from the bed. I went to medical and the nurse gave me the 2 options. After weighing them out, I decided to let them take it off. Better then me accidently ripping it off, right? WRONG!!!

The nurse numbed the thumb 5 times and I could still feel the pain. Finally, after only removing 1/2 the nail, I gave up and that's what I have on my right thumb... half a nail. I will let nature take it's course. I quit!

P.S. The nurse couldn't believe that I went through 8 hours of labor w/out an epidural b/c of how much of a chicken I was. But, labor is for a great reason. Nail removal is not!!

Monday, August 31, 2009

Work isn't for the weak...

I can't talk about what I do. It's part of the joys of being me. And, learning from other people's past mistakes with blogs and jobs, I cannot and will not go there. Just let it be known that some days, I want to pull my hair out b/c of what I do and who I have to deal with.

On another note, Baby has his 2 month shots tomorrow. I understand that it's not going to be fun, but I don't think that I am prepared for what is really going to happen. As I type, Baby is sleeping in my lap, as sweet as can be. I cannot imagine him screaming his head off tomorrow. I'll write about the horrific experience tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Oh Sunday isn't Funday

So, no relaxation for me today. Baby hasn't made poo since Friday afternoon. I spoke with the doctor and she said to give him diluted prune juice. So, we did as instructed and he threw it up. Big time. But, he did make a little itty bitty poop. So, Hubs decided that it would be a good idea to give him a teaspoon right before I fed him so that it would be easier on him. And that hasn't had any wonderful effects yet. But, he did keep it down, so hopefully sometime tonight, we'll hear and smell something awful and wonderful.

I have to figure out how to balance weekend relaxation with getting everything done and spending time with the baby. Yesterday was my "busy" day, and today was supposed to be for relaxing. Well, that didn't happen. Now, I feel exhausted and run down. Tomorrow starts a busy week, with Michael getting his two month old shots on Tuesday. However, I do have Friday-Monday off for Labor day, so Friday I might just stay in bed while Hubs is at work and Baby is at day care. Is that awful?

I found some of the cutest clothes for Baby this weekend at Baby Gap, Gymboree, and Children's Place. I haven't had any luck at the last two stores until today. Baby has to look super cool so he can get a good girlfriend at day care!

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Oh glorious weekends!

How I live for you now. I am always amazed by how much I have to do over the course of 2 short days. But, today was wonderful, and we got a lot accomplished. Cleaning, laundry, cuddling with Baby, and running errands to boot!

Speaking of... while we were driving to look at the new Baby R Us store (opening soon...yea!!!) we saw 4 teenagers panhandling. Their signs just said donate, please help, support us... etc... And then one guy's shirt said "For College." I just couldn't believe that they were begging for money. If they were actually going to use the money for school, that is one interesting way to raise funds. I just don't know if I believed them or not. It doesn't really matter b/c i didn't have any cash on me. Not even change. I know, how horrible.

Tomorrow promises to be a great day of relaxation. If that actually happens, then it'd be great. Here's hoping!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Trying this thing out

I'm sitting at work, bored out of my mind. So, here I go. I am missing my son like crazy! He's turned 2 months old yesterday, and he's growing uncontrollably. I don't know where the time has gone. I am trying to get back to myself, sometimes it's hard. My husband pointed out to me yesterday that I'm not the same person I was 2 years ago. I know that having a baby will change things, but he was right. I want to be the person that I was. And, I'm trying to come back to that. Maybe this will help, writing and venting a little. The problem is I live half the world away from my family and friends from home. I've got my military friends, but I miss my core group. That's a part of growing up, and moving on, but it sucks. I need to get my strength back. Trying to balance a career and a family is not easy, especially being in the Navy. I will be able to do this, I just am going to have to try a little harder.